Handmaiden Poetry

A Shakespearean Sonnet by Hernault

I think Bill Himself would compose a beauteous lay
Of our Handmaidens, ere he a-breath today.
Ode sweet to the ear, traits humble and dear
He would announce their hue, their fragrance clear
On the airs of spring, the seasons taught
In respective face, their visage bought
Dearly by sweetened eye, 'Our hearts! we cry,
And despair of their equal, our love we bid fly.'


Within confines of verse my task it be
To sculpt of finest marble and with solemn grace
A statue stately tall with which to honour thee;
Woe is me! - I cannot but myself debase.

For proud Diomedes, who nigh put Troy to shame,
By heavenly Apollo once was taught
Not ever over Gods his victory to claim;
And is not beauty such as thine much like a God?

To fix thy beauty here for all to see
Is work for men of diabolic zest:
Forever damn the fool whose wish it be
From angels' lips a joyous smile to wrest!

Be it my bane a handmaiden to praise,
I cannot but my barren fate embrace.


Naboo Rites of Spring by Sergé


Theed, oh city full of magic,
Thou shalt be the stage today
Whereon this rhyme, so boldly epic,
Shall be put on fair display.

Show the audience your grace
Your wholesome charm and fine mystique,
Then show it your other face,
The garbled heaps of vile intrigue.


Show us presently Yané,
Handmaiden of Royal Station,
Diligently on this day
Preparing for the celebration

To be held to hail the green
Flowering once again in spring,
Reborn; alike within the Queen
The wisdom heritage did bring,

Dynasties of ancient lore
That speak to us throughout the ages;
Their culture the Naboo adore,
Even when disaster rages...

Yané is readying the flawless
Garments which the Queen do please;
Adornment worthy of a goddess,
Robes which once a year must seize

The eyes of all the joyful masses;
Women, children, high men, low men,
Hereby know that Spring will bless us,
Lest it be an evil omen...

Then appeared without a sign
In Amidala's dressing quarters
A vilest beast, most unbenign,
A flying monkey from the borders!

Its grin was foul and merciless
But Yané wouldn't give in to fear;
She had to guard the royal dress,
Disaster were it to disappear!

But then it spoke: "If thy would,
Fair handmaiden, save thy dear life,
Know then that my will is good;
I wish to save the Royal Five!"

"I trust thee not, thou impure thing!"
Said Yané as she took a stance,
"Preparest now, for I will fling
Your monkey bottom from here hence!"

But then replied that wily ape:
"Alas! I feared that this would be:
Among those with the Orange Cape
Thou art the by far the most silly!

Now drink this draft, and be transported
To my master's hidden lair;
His evil plans must be aborted
Yet I see you do not dare!"

"We are brave," she said aglow,
"And I most certainly am not daft!
Yet I admit I did not know
that "sought" can never rhyme with "draught."*


"Give me that! I'll drink it up!"
She said, for she was angry now;
And then she downed that bitter cup,
And darkness landed on her brow;

When she awoke, she felt with dread
That something terible had occured;
The handmaiden's faces around her were sad,
She knew without a single word

That gruesome beast now had the dress,
And taken it away from Theed;
Now Amidala could not bless
The Springtime that brings forth the seed

From which the harvestings will grow
That we appease our stomachs with.
"She's up!" said Rabé, "now take it slow!
This poison's evil like the Sith.

But if you can, we do implore thee:
What happened here, please tell us quick."
Then Yané told that horrid story
Of the monkey's nasty trick...

"Oh, what sadness!" said Saché,
Caring for her cheated peer;
"Believing you would save the day,
For us you nearly died, my dear!"

"Be not afeared!" replied Rabé,
"For no one needs to pity us;
The Springfeast they need not delay
For some Simian insidious!"

"We certainly will find that ape,
That primate will not get away;
And then we will his face reshape!"
Said with courageous voice Eirtaé.

"We'll get that dress back, girl you bet!"
Said sympathetically Sabé;
"That flying chimp will break a sweat,
When we will make him pay..."

And so they went to find that dress,
Went with a dashing speeder;
They'd find a way out of this mess,
While serving their Most Royal Leader.

They did not say a word to Bibble,
That man who looks just like a goat;
Yet hastily the girls did scribble
For the Queen a little note.

Oh, they are brave; There is no girl
That's braver to be found in Theed!
How this will in the end unfurl
Remains to be seen, oh yes indeed...

That evening Amidala found
The note that was adressed to her.
She'd known that something was not sound,
Yet now she feared what might occur.

She sent her very best to seek
The girls, and to make sure they're safe.
Her heart went out to those unique
And virtuous girls, that are so brave.

They travelled far, the Royal Five,
Through lush green fields and gentle hills,
The green through which Naboo does thrive,
Where tender hearts feel many thrills.

Where sounds the flying monkey's wail
The milk went sour and babies cried;
And so it left an easy trail,
This fat babboon could never hide...


They came then to a peaceful glade
Where by the forest near the swamps,
A hut they spotted, Gungan made;
Then suddenly, with two big jumps,

This wacky reptile came their way
And said with tongue a-quivering:
"Quick be yousa goin' away,
Away cus dere bees evil thing!

Monstars commin' here all day,
Flyin' to da mountains dere,
Where fog is thick and skies are gray,
Da Sith dey-plannin' bad affair!"

"Sith, you say?" Saché replied,
"What know you of such matters?
Why, if it's true, if you are right,
All the hope that I had now shatters..."

"A Gungan yes, that mesa be,
But nonetheless an honoured sage!
Wise I am, and I foresee
That soon the Sith a war will wage...

Do not go, this mesa say!"
That wise and Gungan said,
"Specifically to you, Yané,
I say: avoid things that are bad!

Da Sith Boss tempts even the martyr,
Let alone the ingénue;
So try to be a little smarter,
Or yousa bein' in big doodoo!"

Yané could not appreciate
That some strange Gungan told her off;
And so -although 't was very late -
She told him: "Though the way be rough,

We must not fail to follow through;
The Queen's magnificent Springfeast dress
Is vital to our dear Naboo;
To hail the season, and all that jazz.

Bravely we shall face the Sith
And beat that thief, the big enchilada.
Come now! Let us go forthwith,
To meet our destiny, yada yada yada."

And after this most eloquent speech
The girls resumed their perilous quest.
They went the Sith's dread fort to breach,
In the fearsome mountains way out west.

Through the nightly swamp they went,
On foot, for speeders here were moot;
The monsters there were quite intent
On having these fair girls for food...

Yet of no beasts they were afeared,
They fought them off with ease;
But then what happened - it was so weird -
All rumbling did suddenly cease...

No creature made a single noise,
You could not hear a single thing...
Then suddenly with lethal poise
Jumped from the foliage Aurra Sing!

But did our Fivesome show her fear,
Hand her the bounty on a platter?
No! they kicked her on her rear,
For they were not a trifle matter!

But Aurra could not play it fair,
And thought of a most devious plan
"You won't win", she said, "your flair
Inspires awe, but it will best me not.

Though thine garb is orange too,
My orange is more sexy!
Beware, handmaidens of Naboo,
Beware, for I will hex thee!"

And from her belt she took a bag,
And from the bag a flower hypnotic;
Its pollen caused the girls to sag
With sleep, and fall before the goth chick...

All but one, for still Yané
Did stand, and she was quite awake.
"Why me?" she said, "can you say
Why I'm still here, you putrid plague?!"

Aurra looked at her and said,
"Your precious Queen did never bother
To tell you this one thing, so sad...
The fate of your own, loving mother!"

"She told me enough," Yané replied,
"You killed them, for cold hard money!"
"Well then, girl, the Queen has lied!
Your mother am I, my precious honey!"

And then there was just one more thing
That she could say to Aurra Sing:


"Oh yes," said Aurra Sing to her,
"I know you know it to be true;
Your past is now a hazy blur,
But it will soon come back to you.

Let us go now to my Master
Who will teach you of the Force.
A weapon stronger than a blaster
Shall then forever more be yours.

A lightsaber he'll give to you,
With which you'll be real cool and mean:
You'll learn to jump and do kung-fu,
The toughest Darth they've ever seen!"

They looked upon each other now,
Their faces tense and heavily strained;
Then Yané with an angry brow
Said to the one with bodypaint:

"Silliness they say is my flaw,
But I won't be Darth Silly-ous.
'Cuz let me tell you, my evil maw:
I'm not that supercilious.

Silly is me, Silly's my thing;
Sillé is truly my second name.
And I'll tell you this, dear A***a S**g,
I won't play your crooked game.

And so I will disprove your claim
In a way that's silly, but also sound:
Pray tell me, "mum" - where on my frame
A nasty mole is to be found?"

Stunned by this most brilliant stroke,
A**ra accepted she good not make good;
Then with a most inappropriate joke,
She resigned her claims on motherhood:

"O.K. then girl, your mother I'm not;
But unlike her, I'm still alive.
Now better show me what you've got ---
Or there will be no more Royal Five!"

She drew her sword and turned it on,
And said, "Don't worry: you won't be missed."
But suddenly that sword was gone,
And resting in Yané's Force-ful fist!

"What was that?" evil A**ra cried,
With a voice that was suddenly shrill and hoarse.
Then, like that Kitster, Yané replied:
"Guess what? I used the Force, [Kitster] of courrrrse!" [/Kitster]


At this very same moment out in the woods
The Gungan sage was in a trance;
Then suddenly he jumps up from the roots,
And does a little funny dance.

"Egads!" he cried, "dis bein' weird!
It felt as if da ground just shook!
Some forceful presence has appeared...
Mesa gettin' da sacred book!"


Now the bounty-huntress was chickening,
Looking for a way to escape.
But unbeknownst to A**ra S*ng,
Rabé was up, and in excellent shape.

She got up to help Yané,
And grabbed Aurra by her unhandy antenna.
She then tried to run away,
Which was quite a dumb move from this lover of henna.

For Rabé still stood there antenna in hand,
While Au**a on the ground did roll;
And so the transmission has come to an end,
For A**ra had functioned by remote control...

"Well," said Rabé, "she was a fool.
Still, her demise was rather crude.
Hey, that lightsaber is pretty cool!
You look just like that Obi-dude!"

Yané was flattered, for that young man
She dreamed of often in the night;
She turned then to Au**a S**g again,
And said to her, with a hint of delight:

"Hey, robo-chick! I still live,
And you don't even show a spark!
And about that mole --- Huh! As if!
It's nothing but a beautymark!"


The Gungan sage felt many chills
Creeping down the back of his neck.
He read "The Journal of the Whills",
In a cheap edition paperback.

Listing through those magic pages,
He read to himself, half aloud;
"The passing of the darker ages
Has cast this greatest of evils out;

Yet it will soon return again,
To bring this world to hate and fear.
The one thing that shall save us then
Is for the One to reappear."

The Gungan bit on his gimer stick,
And went to cook some rootleaf stew.
He said, "she better makin' it quick,
Or wesa bein' in biiiiig doodoo!"

For on Naboo, a long time ago,
a handmaiden there was who with
the Force that in her heart did glow
defeated a most evil Sith.

It was foretold that she'd be back
To aid Naboo in times of trouble
Another handmaiden would whack
The Sith Lord; oh yes, she'd burst his bubble...


The sinister castle on the hills
Wherein all evildoers dwell
Bring those that see it many chills;
For its visage does not bode well...

Sidious did patiently wait
Finishing his stirfried Kaadu11:29 PM 10/21/02;
On his organ then he played
That bit of Bach from "Nosferatu".

In the background you could spot
The glinting of a dark droid's hide.
't Was the appearance of Darth Bot
The R2 from the droid Dark Side...

His girlfriend is E-Z 14,
With skin just like the Silver Surfer's.
"Hi...my name's *easy* 14...
and I will be at your service..."

Though by the Sith it was forbidden,
I must tell you: "There is another."
Darth Vurri, nasty and flee-ridden,
The Ewok Darth, who's quite a bother.

The flying monkeys were there too,
A sinister galactic menace,
Crazier than a kangaroo
Who likes to play a game of tennis.

Sidious with obvious glee
Was thinking of his heinous plans.
"The crown of Naboo shall be for me,
These handmaidens don't stand a chance.

Yané's the one that I fear most,
It seems the Force is with this brat...
But if she won't join me she'll be toast,
My Force lightning will see to that!"

These five graceful ones will serve me,
Cater to my ev'ry need.
And all those who thought I was nerdy,
Shall repent, oh yes indeed!"

The Ewok Darth came to the throne,
Saying something like "yub-yub".
But since Ewok speech is quite unknown,
His lines for you I now shall dub:

"Master! They are near the gate!
Shall I tell the apes to stand by?"
"Yes! Go forth and spread the hate!
Fly, my monkeys! Fly!!"


The handmaidens were careful though,
hidden in the shades they were.
In battle dresses they laid low,
Ready for whatever might occur...

But Yané was caught by surprise
By an eerie blue light behind her back...
A woman it was, old and wise,
who nonetheless in beauty did not lack.

"Hello young one, I'm back again,
The ghost of one who fought the Sith.
My name's Bané, and his was Bane*,
The Darth that I was married with!

I can help you live through this,
And find the celebration dress.
You'll show those Darths what fighting is,
With handmaidens you do not mess!"


It's Haiku time!!

'Gainst the crimson storm
An orange sanctuary:
Petals ring the court.

Rabé, Naboo rose:
"Podmay ees naut haere right naow."
Her voice, like honey.


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