THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SABÉ by Sebulba2179 Redserge@ttlc.net Rated PG ********** Day One Rather bittersweet day today. Kind of exciting to be a handmaiden for the Queen, but am a bit put out over being plucked from U-Theed soccer team to do it. So much for that promising career. Sure hope she'll let me play in palace fields. Day Two Had first meeting with Gov. Bibble. "Old goat" took on a whole new meaning right away. Met other handmaidens later. Am far and away the hottest. Go me! Day Three Eirtaé all sulky over being the only blonde in the group. Doesn't seem to want to talk much. Must put a stop to this! Just because am hotter than both Padmé and Saché is no reason to get blown off like this. Suspect nickname competition brewing between the others. Day Four Speaking of competitions, one has already erupted between Saché and Yané to see who can pull the fastest prank on the other. Honestly, those girls. Have gone to Theed-Mart to get boxing gloves for the two of them. Love Theed-Mart. Rabé thinks it's the Microsith of department stores, but seems blind to their awesome price float-backs. Day Five Queen taking us out to holo-movies, but why is she making me wear her outfit, face paint and all? V. strange. Will have to torture Olié for the information. Shouldn't take long with a feather from this loud headdress. Went to see some crazy adventure flick about a bunch of assorted humanoids and an evil ring. Thanks a heap, Your Highness. Will have nightmares about old guy and big fiery monster for weeks now. Blond archer would look v. nice in a pirate costume, though. Day Six Trade Federation arrived in orbit and declared blockade. Queen get-up and face paint now making sense. Great, just great. Next thing you know, Nute Gunray will lead a bunch of black-robed freaks on tauntauns down here to steal my class ring. Stupid Federation. Day Seven Neimoidians hanging overhead 24/7. Saché grumbling about not being able to throw a decent party (or get a date with Lt. Andlaé). Yané grumbling about Haako stealing her sillé spotlight. Eirtaé grumbling about still not being Queen, but that's nothing new. Rabé grumbling about low supplies of Pert Plus. Will remain strong. Will not grumble about paranoid Queen wanting me to dress up in stupid robe, stupid headdress, and stupid face paint so she can fade into the background and make me...uh...what was I saying again? Day Eight Absolutely ridiculous number of battle droids headed this way. Off to Queen's chambers. Mr. and Mrs. Six-Hour-Makeup-Job better slap it on before droids get here. Day Nine Gunray looking to draw up treaty. Stupid Gunray. Will treat him, all right, if he's not careful.Wanted to challenge him to soccer match, but Queen made me dress up in that cement block she calls a wardrobe instead. Feather headdress so bloody stifling. Am v. unhappy. Would have whupped Gunray's silly-talking ass in soccer game. -later- *GAK* Hot young Padawan at ten o'clock... Grumpy old Jedi trying to keep us separated. I will *not* cooperate! Day Ten Cannot believe Panaka freed Olié with other pilots. The guy is totally a pervy queen-fancier. Eirtaé is better pilot than him, too. Anyway, I'll kill him if he tries anything. Must say it's rather fun bossing Queen around. Will have to watch back, though, as suspect Eirtaé will get back at me later for making her clean my room. Day Twelve V. hot on Tatooine. Rather hot inside the ship, too, with Obi-Wan in constant attendance in my chamber. *dreamy sigh* While Eirtaé pissing and moaning about heat and Rabé outside taking unsightly suntan, am stuck in here with Panaka and Olié. Ick. Will see if Obi wants to go for moonlit stroll tonight after slipping sedatives into Panaka's scotch. Sandstorm blowing up from south. Wonder if all that air finally came rushing out of Jar Jar's head? Would love to blame him for being cooped up in here. Day Thirteen Dreamt that there was a nasty-looking volcano and a dark tower with a v. big, flaming eye beyond those mountains to the east. Bodes ill, but am sure Obi-Wan will protect me by his life or death. Do hope, however, that he catches all that lip paint on his face and washes it off before anybody else notices. Got holo-message from Naboo. When was the last time Bibble tried Just For Men? Will advise Rabé to stock up when we get home. Day Fourteen Bored bored bored, amusing self by kicking soccer ball around droid room. Oops...didn't mean to hurt Obi *quite* that badly with it... Grumpy old Jedi back with suntanned rugrat. Took Queen aside and gently explained (well, as gently as can be expected) to her about how while she was out paling around with grumpy old Jedi and dippy Gungan, eating dinner out and watching podraces, I haven't changed out of her travel gown for three friggin' days. Well, except for that evening with Obi-Wan in the hills wearing nothing but overalls, but will not tell anyone if he won't. Day Sixteen V. noisy on Coruscant. Yesssss, goodbye, travel gown!!! Am hottest again! Will not miss ship, either, as was not v. conducive to soccer practise. Really hope Queen will let me wear sexy white feather dress next time. Can't wait to see how Obi will react...awwww, where'd he go? Guess a hot young Padawan's work is never done. Queen gave me day off. Now, if only could find way to Jedi Temple... Day Seventeen Can just see Chancellor Valium now, discussing invasion with his cronies over stim-tea and crumpets. Wow, didn't think Queen would take my cue from Gunray- shutdown. Go Queen! Stupid Senate. Wonder if they'll allow a write-in vote for new Chancellor? Day Eighteen Hooré for Palpy, he's been nominated. Now why is he building a great big orange eye on top of the building? Reminds me of bad dream. Have sought refuge in Obi- Wan's cloak, though would be a mite easier if he wasn't wearing it. Queen casting hinting gazes at me while pulling travel gown out of closet. Cannot cope. Am hiding in lower levels till it's time to leave. Day Twenty Home, sweet home. Finally got to wear Queen's battle dress. Yay! Quite a relief - suntanned rugrat was following me everywhere carrying dead rabbits. Must be new wave with scrawny little bug-eyed creatures. Can you say "excess baggage"? Battle should be a cake walk, as long as we don't have to fight our way over snowy mountain passes or grope through abysmal mines to retake Theed. Day 21 Was just about to mention that we can smell Boss Nass's breath all the way from Otoh Gunga when Queen interrupted. Nice save from potentially embarrassing moment between Rabé and Tarpals. Don't really like the way grumpy old Jedi looked at Obi-Wan just now. Is asking for a kick in the pants if I hear any "Fool of a Padawan" remarks. Day 22 No longer getting any respect from Eirtaé and Rabé. *sniffle* Occupying self by gunnery practise with left hand. Who needs blasters, anyway? Give me five soccer balls and five battle droids in a penalty line, and will decapitate them one by one. Better yet, have sneaked over to Theed-Mart and bought equally tight corsets for Gunray and Haako. Should teach them a lesson about squeezing people. Day 23 Whose idea was it to give me hairdo that looks like two Horns of Gondola or whatever it is? Actually, maybe not such a bad idea. Could blow both horns to summon help. Obi- Wan would forget all about Sith Lord and immediately rush to aid...my heeeroooo... -later- Fashionably late to throne-room confrontation. Cannot help it if Eirtaé is afraid of heights and didn't want to hop windowsills. Led to mad melee in palace Chamber of Records. At least battle droids didn't find the troll that used to hide under my bed. Day 24 Obi-Wan spending unnerving amount of time with suntanned rugrat. Even best perfume I could filch from Eirtaé's vanity isn't doing anything. Male bonding strikes again. *sigh* Wouldn't have minded decoying one last time, just long enough to snipe Gunray a little...ah, well. Off to soccer practise with Saché so can thwack Trade Fed one last time. Must say, this ball is v. cool. -later- Crap. Guess it wasn't just a big, glowing electronic soccer ball. Tried to elope with Obi-Wan to avoid Queen, but Obi-Wan preoccupied doing magic tricks for suntanned rugrat. Yeah, that's good, make him think he can knock daktaris out of his ears after he takes a bath. Honestly, these people. Day 25 Couldn't whup Gunray's ass in soccer match once Peace Ball got taken away, so satisfied self by giving him nuclear wedgie. Was hard enough to rip his robe. Go me! Gungan Peace Parade v. big, showy and fun. Am hoping Force gives Obi-Wan a twap on the head. "LOOK BEHIND YOU, you silly, nerdy, flighty...pretty-eyed...tall, hunky, powerful, hot young Padawan..." Argh. Men. Day 30 Got kidnapped by ghostly pirates and whisked off to lagoon. Obi-Wan never around when I need him anymore. Instead, rescued by stoned pirate wannabe and bow- lipped elf who wants hand in mawwiage. Yeah, right. As if being drooled over by a knight, a Dug and an Imperial lieutenant wasn't enough... What's next, getting eaten alive by dinosaurs?