THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF YANÉ by Sebulba2179 Redserge@ttlc.net Rated PG ********** Day One Didn't think height (or lack thereof) could be so much fun. Climbed up on bookshelf to grab Saché's six-pack of Absolut Vodka that she thinks nobody knows about. Knew she was going to try and sneak out to bacchanalia at University of Theed tomorrow night! Will hang onto the booze till she invites me. Yay for blackmail! Day Two What do you get when you cross the Queen's decoy with a chemical therapist? "Chemo Sabé." Ha ha. Gods, I love being sillé. Day Three Didn't get invited to bacchanalia after all. Sabé made me keep vodka stash a secret, though. Blast her sobriety. Thought sure she was playing favourites until she promised to start a water fight with Saché while doing the dishes. Am all for it! Day Four Have been listening to the way the Queen introduces herself. Am practising in front of mirror now: "*I* am Sillé Yané!" Have half a mind now to teach Silléness 101 at University of Theed, if only could discourage everyone from attending Saché's crazy parties. -later- Was bedding down for night when found pot of cold soup in v. inconvenient place in bed. AARRRGH! Wasn't so much that the soup was cold, it was TOMATO!! YUCK!!! Not too easy to breathe when plastered to the ceiling, let me clue you. Day Five Avenged soup episode by planting bucket of ice water on top of Saché's door. Will never forget view of Saché with pretty little face entirely obscured by icky wet hair. Really v. funné. Took Eirtaé, Sabé and the Queen to separate us, but we're way too vital to get punished. Aren't we? Day Six Hope Saché is happy in wine cellar. She can "whine" all she wants, she doesn't have to sort and wash laundry for Royal Guards and pilots. Blech. Please tell me I didn't just see Olié's hairpiece coming down the chute. Day Eight Am v. ill after two days buried in laundry. Just two days of Panaka's socks and Olié's underwear have really done it to my appetite. Aside from which, Panaka has worn at least one hole in every sock in the palace. Will wear a hole in the throne-room floor next if he keeps it up. Day Nine Redemption, albeit kinda bittersweet. Absolutely ridiculous number of battle droids headed this way. Get to sit next to Queen while she has holographic cup of tea and crumpets with Palpy. Go me! -later- It's raining Jedi! Sabé almost smeared her makeup drooling over hot young Padawan. Had to rip a few feathers out of her headdress to make her wake up and smell the stimcaf. Luckily, grumpy old Jedi won't let hot young Padawan have too much fun. Day Ten Pity poor Queen, being stuck in tiny Naboo cruiser with Olié for who knows how long. Everybody knows that moron is a pervy queen-fancier. Reason escapes me, since Sabé is definitely hotter than Queen...but then again, she practically IS the queen right now... Either way, she'll kill him if he tries anything. Pity poor me, being stuck in tiny Federation concentration camp with Saché. Would not be surprised if she tried to get the battle droids poodoo-faced. Will try something a little more subtle. Day Twelve OOM-9 was sooo programmed by a guy. "Picnic, uh...that doesn't compute." Shouldn't take long to fry his circuits with silléness. Day Fifteen Am running out of steam. Battle droids immovable. Will not back down! Must...remain...sillé... Day Sixteen YES! A step in the right direction at last! OOM-9 told me, "You have the right to remain sillé, anything you do say can - no, wait a minute...dammit! Anything you do say will be held against you in a court of handmai - rats! Verbal overload. Must away for voder maintenance." Will get him yet. Too bad Saché wasn't here to see this. Probably trying to spike their lube oil with schnapps. Day Twenty Time to do something with these droids. Found Saché (turns out she was trying to get a date with Lt. Andlaé) and advised her where Eirtaé hides the Reynolds Wrap. Got v. sneaké reaction. This could work after all. Just hope Saché won't be too googly over Andlaé to miss the target and roll me up instead. Then again, wouldn't put it past her to do that on purpose. Day 22 Queen came back in nick of time. Lips were getting sore from spitting watermelon seeds at battle droids when good ol' Rabé came along and blew up the tank. Panaka would like us to think he did it, but we are brave, Your Highness - braver than him. Pfft. -later- Blaster hand throbbing like crazy. Off to Target to get custom-made bumper sticker, "I Kicked OOM-9's Ass." Did it, too. Stuck wad of gum in his blaster muzzle when he wasn't looking so blaster backfired. Can remain sillé even when wrecking battle droids. Go me. Day 25 Sabé uncomfortably close to hot young Padawan while Queen conferring with Palpy. Tried to tell her that suntanned rugrat will hold his undivided attention, but no dice. "Oh, but Yannie, he killed the Sith Lord! He saved the planet! HE'S MY HEEEROOOO!" Sigh. Day 26 Am resigned to fate. With Sabé googling over hot young Padawan, Saché googling over Andlaé, and Queen enamouring suntanned rugrat, will be forever entombed in unimaginable acres of laundry. Hope Olié is happy. Wait, of course he's happy. He'll have clean underwear for a change. Day 27 Gungan Peace Parade. What fun! Scooped up rice after parade to make rice pudding for dessert. Hopefully it'll get me out of laundry room. -later- Got conspiratorial note from Saché. Helped her get Olié poodoo-faced and then threw him in the washing machine with his socks. Woohoo! Things looking up. Saché not such bad company after all, at least until I find glue on my toothbrush. Day 28 Climbed up on bookshelf again. Saché has found new hiding place for chocolate bars and vodka. Rats. **********